A friend from England asked me to explain adoption to them. They were writing a story set in the US involving a couple adopting a child and wanted to know how these things were done. I explained the legal outline (agency vs. private vs. foster/adopt and so on) but I didn't tell her the rest of the story. The story about why I feel so weird about adoption.
My Grandmother placed a child for adoption. It was an inter-family adoption and I've known him my whole life since he reunited with her when he was an adult. So, I certainly know that adoption is a good thing in theory. But there is certainly a problem with the way that it is often used in the United States.
In a perfect world women would place children for adoption because they did not want to parent them. But too often the reality is that a woman does want to parent but opts for adoption because they want to give the child a better life. That is where I start to feel icky about the entire process. This concept of adoption being a way to give a child a better life.
It's problematic because of what better often means in this context. Better means a two parent home. Better means parents who have gone to college or work in white collar jobs. Better means money. Better means opportunities.
This concept of better has two sides: shaming people who don't have those things and respecting people who do have them. There shouldn't be shame from being a single parent or respect for being in a marriage. It's the quality of those relationships that deserve praise and not simply having them. A woman placing a child for adoption because she is single is rarely reminded that marriage is not a permanent state. Her child could end up being raised in a single parent home if the couple divorces or one parent dies.
The fact that an adoptive couple has more education is hardly a reason to expect them to give a child a better life. A degree doesn't mean that someone is particularly clever or gifted. And money is also no indicator of an ability to provide for a child. We've seen that many people who seem to be living large are actually just deeply in debt. A lost job or turn in the market may leave them in the same financial state as the woman placing a child into adoption.
As for adoptive families being able to provide better opportunities, that is hardly guaranteed. Barack Obama was the child of a single mother who was able to become President. Reality television it littered with the offspring of rich and powerful people who are barely able to function.
As a society, I don't want women to think that the best hope for their child is in giving it to someone else to raise. If they don't want to parent then adoption is fine. But it is the women who would parent if only they had a shift in circumstances who worry me. I want to have a society where women who want to parent are given the resources to do so. Be that monetary support, or child care, or a community where women are nurtured and supported.
I think that community will also benefit families who are interested in adoption. Currently, adoption is framed as a war over resources. Birthparents have children. Adoptive parents want children. The language treats children as commodities. A child is given in adoption. If a birthparent revokes consent they are taking the baby back. But children are not things. They belong to themselves and not to parents. A more communal approach to childrearing may help alleviate the stigma of infertility.
(I can only speak for myself as a woman who has been told that I am at high risk for fertility problems should I ever decide to try to become pregnant, but such a communal society would help me feel better about my infertility. It means that I have a part to play in raising a child as an Aunt, a mentor, and a friend. It doesn't fully eliminate any maternal need, but it does give me more respect than a culture that views motherhood as a zero-sum game.)
There is something exploitative about the way adoption is practiced in America. The narrative of adoptive parents rescuing children and that adoptees should feel grateful is all wrong. The moral element needs to be eliminated from the practice. Until that time, there are still children who are in need. Adoption may be the way we address these issues currently but I still hope that one day we can make it a better practice for all parties involved.
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